What Marriage Means To Me After 14 Years

The other day a friend of mine on Facebook asked this great question…

Why get married in 2019 when you could just cohabitate?  

Here was my first response…

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My friend Heather continued to probe, asking me..

So it really got me thinking.

What does marriage mean to me and why do I think it’s still so important in a world that seems to be valuing it less and less as the years progress?

Aside from ‘religion’ and ‘law’ and ‘tradition’, having been married for 14 years now – I believe more deeply than ever that there is tremendous value and meaning in the marriage relationship.

I want to preface what I’m about to say with the caveat that I realize there are extenuating circumstances in everyone’s lives.

I’m not saying that my thoughts are the only way to live a happy, healthy, productive life and certainly not attempting to cast any sort of negative light on any family situation that is different from ours.

I think there are plenty of couples who probably shouldn’t get married and yes, some marriages that might not be salvageable.

That being said,  I don’t think the idea of ‘marriage’ is something we should, as a society, just give up on because there are challenges along the way.

Of course, at the end of the day, things tend to have the meanings we give them or allow them to have for us so if you think marriage doesn’t mean anything – that’s probably about what you’ll get from it.

I wanted to jot down a few thoughts, in response to Heather’s probing (thanks Heather), as to what marriage means to me.

Maybe they can be valuable for anyone seriously pondering this question – and perhaps for my kids as they get a little older.

I think the marriage relationship has great value for children 

When I was a kid my dad left my family when I was 8 years old.   He was married to my mom but he didn’t value the marriage relationship and so he cheated on my mom and left our little family so he could go and be with another woman.

I remember how much pain and heartache that caused my mom.

From the standpoint of a confused 8 year old boy, I can tell you that I would have appreciated more loyalty and respect for my mom and the marriage relationship than what I saw from my dad.

As someone who grew up without a dad around, I can tell you that I would have appreciated having a father figure there for me in the home.

A man who honors the marriage relationship can provide that for his children.

Last night, right before our family prayer I said to my sons,

“Boys, I want you to know that I love your mother very much.”

After they chuckled a bit, I asked them if they would rather live in a home with mom and dad or with just one parent.

Each one of them said “Mom and Dad” and we talked about how that’s a blessing they have that not everyone has and that maybe they should think about being more grateful for that and not taking it for granted.”

What it means to me as a man. 

To me, marriage means I’ve made a commitment to my wife and my family.

It means my wife can trust that she’ll never have to worry about me looking at another woman with wandering eyes and that when I’m away on business trips, her mind can be at ease knowing I’ve made a promise to her that I will honor.

It means that I can also expect those same things from her because I know she feels the same way about the commitment she’s made to me and that gives me great peace of mind.

It means I can always count on my wife to be there for me in the good times and the hard times.

It means we will be there for each other – to the end because that’s the commitment we’ve made.

It means I’ve always got someone there for me by my side, cheering me on and supporting me on life’s journey.

It means I’m not alone.

It means I have someone I can laugh with and someone I can cry with.

It means I have someone who knows my faults and loves me anyway.

It also means, as a man, that I’m honoring one of the divine commitments I’ve made before my creator.

Yes, for me, marriage is a contract that carries with it sacred promises.

If I violate the promises I’ve made to my wife through the marriage relationship – to me that means, I’m violating some of my most sacred and holy responsibilities.

This is not a belief I have because I read it in a book or because someone told me it’s a responsibility I have, it’s something I feel, deep down in my soul.

I believe that we are all immortal souls having a mortal experience and that the way we treat each other has a direct relationship with why we’re here and where we’re going.

The Marriage Value to Society

Society and civilization are, if anything, organization.

Roads, utilities, laws, rewards, punishments all organized for the benefit of the people.

Marriage is a unit of organization so we, as a society, can have more order and less chaos.

That seems to me, like a good thing.

In Closing

Earl Nightingale once said…

‘Success is the progressive realization of a worthy ideal.’

Success is not and maybe never was meant to mean ‘perfection’.

And maybe it’s the same with marriage.

Marriage was never meant to be perfect.

It was meant to be an ideal to strive for.

And I can tell you from 14 years of striving, it’s been one of the most worthwhile and rewarding aspects of my life, by far.